The Balance

I think I have written down this topic before.

There is always a balance in me that I don’t want it to tilt.

There is this certain balance, that I follow a certain set of rules of actions. The things I do, and with these things I done, I don’t lose the balance thus I can get to my goals.

It’s always been like this.

When I lose my balance, I start to screw things up. Just, bad things start to happen to me and I don’t really prepare for them.

So I think maybe I should write down my balance in case I may forget, or when I lose my balance, I may return to it?

But since the balance itself is very buoyant, there is this dynamic that’s hard to catch.

I’ll try my best to break it down.

I think open-mindedness is the first thing.

Second, it’s enough energy, enough energy for the body.

Third, being an upright and decent human being.

Fourth, karma. Luck is not granted, it has a cause. 

Fifth, maybe, maybe a bit of catching up the trend?

I am still not sure how to keep the balance. I only know, if I lose it, I would fuck myself up.

The balance is an extremely subtle thing. Or that I can say that is, I myself don’t lose my cool?

I myself don’t lose my original self, and that I don’t engage in very ego-boosting life etc.

Sixth, humility, or humbleness.

I just, I can’t tell.

There are certain things you do in life that would repay you, and certain things that don’t?

It’s a feeling, a vibe, the best I can describe.

And seventh, I do not get paranoid or very anxious. As long as I get anxious, I fuck things up.

There are so many things out there influencing me to be me, and in ways they influence me to become something else. All of the new things, grow a bit inside me, and become a part of me.

It feels like a feeling inside your brain. I have multiple feelings, stored in memories.

So when I need one, I just pull it out and become that mode.

I don’t really know what exactly has changed, but I can just use one and keep up my momentum.

And I am also afraid that I may lose this momentum due to me switching from mode to mode.

Maybe, maybe because I am not happy?

Or that I deny myself too much?

I am depressed?

There are so many questions that I don’t really have answers.

I do want an optimal state of myself to go out there and meet people. And that state, seems to also bring good people around me. And plus, good things, lucky things happen around me as well.

But, how do I keep up this?

I don’t really have an answer.

Because I don’t really know the ingredients.

When I set out in China, I held the belief that I would meet new things here and learn new things here in Canada. Simply because I am the type of person that just has a thing with small odds events. Small odds events love me. Good or bad, they all love me.

What scares me is the notion that once I lose my balance, I would not know exactly how, and how the whole aura, the whole karma thing would play on me.

It’s like when I headed out the morning for airport, I decided to take DiDi, and my parents went out to see me leave. But the time was not enough, and, on my way to the gate, I found out my mom had parked her car there last night. And boom, I decided to just take my parent’s car instead to save more time, otherwise I wouldn’t be on time at all.

All of this dynamic was not easily constructible, because all of these unexpected events, good unexpected events just happen, and just opportunities waited for me to catch up on them.

And sometimes, when I am not in the mood, I could easily miss these opportunities.

And sometimes, it’s not up to me to decide whether these opportunities would just magically pop out like before.

So I really don’t know.

But I know that if I keep up this pace, this certain pace that is not very quick, and not very slow, I feel like I can somehow hang onto this train of luckiness? Shall I say?

I know that, if there is a single variant changed in the whole situation, my flow would completely break. Like the rockets go blown if there is one single miscalculation.

But what’s the whole thing? And what exactly would the single mistake/error be to break my flow?

The people around me? Most likely. Or that I don’t catch up on time? Likely. I think, there are just so many things I need to, kind of, just, you know, DO THE RIGHT THING. 


Maybe it’s not about the right things. Maybe it’s about time. The more time you got for yourself doing something, the more errors it can tolerate. Maybe it’s time. You need more buffering.

Or it’s the pace. 

Or it’s the gist? 

Or it’s just chill and hold true to yourself? But people can change, but I don’t change… I don’t really… um… change. Unless I want to and I think it’s right and valuable/meaningful to change.

Maybe about being kind?

Maybe just……


I will update more.

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