The Chaos of Reality Breaks My Solitude

The past 4 years may not be something worth mentioning, however, I found my eternal peace and solitude inside the span of 4 years.

During that time, I discovered many things I hadn’t been able to do. I fully reached my freedom of thoughts, and freedom of actions.

Now that I am facing the reality that I may lose that freedom soon, it boggles me so much, and it tears me apart.

The chaos of reality is destroying my precious solitude. The fast pace of life pushes me towards something that I am not even sure what lies behind, and I don’t exactly like it.

I think my inner strength, just like this blog, lies in the infinity of my thoughts. How far can they go? I never give it a thought, I just let them go as far as they can, until they stop, or until my brain is dead.

Like Verona once said, the prisoners inside prison cells can have freedom in their minds, imagining roaming freely on a grassland.

Frustrated, depressed, knowing that the world is against my nationality, not me individually, but I have to take up the identity of my nationality, it just boggles me and I don’t exactly have a reaction for it. Such problem persists from the start, to the end of this journey, and is kind of the source of all my problems.

Verona said, you’re at the age of experiencing new things, explore more and have more fun at such a young age, be yourself and follow the flow. It’s not about where to go, but on the road.

Alex said, you should understand how much you should invest in yourself if the end result is not going to return as much value as you have put in. You need to see the result and plan your steps subsequently.

The two mentors of my life point to two completely different directions, and I guess the reason that I met these two great personalities, is due to that I have this balance of rationality and emotionality.

You either go with the flow, or plan your route diligently.

Frankly, I don’t know what should I do now.

I love freedom, and I never once want to give up my freedom. The idea that I possess myself is so valuable to me, I don’t want to lose a single bit of it. Freedom is this thing that once you tasted just a bit of it, you don’t want to lose it your entire life and you want to forever chase it and keep it.

But I also value good return investment. If I put into too much of my time and I gain nothing back, that kind of doesn’t sound very good isn’t it?

I can break rules if necessary, stay here as an illegal immigrant, do illegal jobs that pay under the table, and keep myself alive here. However, I also want to have the legal status which enables me to work here, but at the cost of my freedom.

Now I really wish there were some new immigration consultant jumped out and hoorayed at me, and showed me a new route to keep me here and do “travel and work”. A life that I’ve been dreaming my life about.

Going back to school in any way looks just a waste of time and a way that robs me off my freedom. Because that means I will be accepting the social norm, that I will submit to the general public of my great ideals. I hate that idea.

I came to Canada with mind that I can discover opportunities here and have the knowledge of localization, video game development, or machine learning.

At almost the end of my journey, I get none. And still unable to work here in order to gain the knowledge of these three.

Industry always has the state of the art technology and information, I need those things in order to really launch a startup in China, or here in Canada.

The problem right now I have is quite apparent. I don’t have a product or a service to even begin with. That’s why I am here searching for opportunities for me to learn the necessary tools to produce such a product or a service.

I am really frustrated right now that how indifferent people can be in Canada.

And I am kind of tired that I’ve constantly reaching out……

And right now I think back of the good time I had with myself in the past 4 years, I really missed it. I love my solitude, and I think no one should ever once break my solitude without my permission.

That solitude is streamed with love and caring, thoughts and beyond, an infinity of currents, of rivers, of oceans. Like the cosmos, except it’s the cosmos of thoughts, the cosmos of ideas.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.