When I was in my high school, most of the time I felt this strange feeling of living inside a vacuum.
At that time, I was smoothly on my way to prestigious and famous universities in China. I was well fed, well slept, well equipped. I got everything I ever needed and I never realized how hard it was for others to obtain that sort of status–studying in one of the top high schools in a second-tier city (just neighbored first-tier cities), having fairly good grades and knew nothing.
Almost, it almost looked like my thirst for knowledge got the best out of me. It pushed me towards the bottom of the ranking, because I hated the state of knowing nothing. I wanted to know something, something REAL.
And BECAUSE OF this desire to seek realness of life, I found most of the knowledge taught in school useless and not worthwhile.
That life was a complete waste of time.
Later in the second year of high school, something happened.
I got into depression and extreme anxiety problems. I was scared of that environment as it reminded me of my trauma in the past.
I left the school.
Ever since that moment I took off, I never felt that alive. I felt like I once again, regained myself, regained my freedom.
This idea of me possessing myself was so addictive to me, I would sacrifice everything so that nobody can take my freedom away from me.
Now, as parental pressure comes in, and that I feel like I am not going to get any financial aid in the future. I took my family’s advice and yet again, step onto the path of “stability”.
I think, I am just scared. I feel like a pussy. A shitty pussy. And what bothers me is that people are happy that you’re actually stable, just like them. But you are not happy, deep down in your heart.
I wanted to take risks, and I was very bold.
And it feels right, to take risks, instead of pushing myself towards stability.
I read a book, Millionaire’s Mind, it talked about how most people are just unconscious.
And I think that can’t be truer.
The reason is simple.
If you life is stable, everything is within reach, you wouldn’t want to take any risk. A stable lifestyle is like the lullaby played by the seductive goddesses (they were just illusions) for the crewmen in Odyssey. The crewmen stayed there forever and were reluctant to leave. Little did they know, the time they were in that place for 2 hours, human world had passed for 2 years.
It’s like this invisible and scentless poison that keeps you forever paralyzed.
I always feel that a life of stability keeps me from achieving greatness. Even my mind can’t think straight when I am inside that hypnotizing fog.
I feel most alive when I am free, when I need to move and also feel unstable. This feeling of risks pumps my blood throughout my veins. And I am much more level-headed than I am in stability.
You make a ton of mistakes in stability thinking that you still got chances.
You don’t want to make a single mistake when you’re at risk because you know this is the one-shot chance.
And I would also argue that stability not just keeps people from success, but also prevents them from succeeding as well. It’s like the vines that trap you from moving forward, and they also pull you back if you once escape their control.
It’s this extremely toxic mentality that, for one, you are scared to lose it all, for two, you are content with what you have.
A life that everything seems so within reach and so easy is a life of infinite unconsciousness.
It’s as if you are not “woke”. I fear that going back to school will take away my consciousness again.
Remember the Goldrush? Who mostly took part in the Goldrush?
The bottom rung people, the poor, the workers.
These people lived an impoverished life and they wanted to seek the “good life” so bad, they were willing to take risks and tried to find their gold.
In sociology, the lower your social rung, the more likely you are going to take radical approaches.
Because you have nothing to lose and you are very unhappy with your current lifestyle, however without the “substances” that stability can provide, you would seek radical approaches to gain substances that provide you with “stability”.
However, many people succeed from once being underdogs. Why? Because being radical, and bold to take risks, is the way of succeeding.
It’s like gamble.
Are you willing to sacrifice everything you ever have? If you are, then you might win. And if you win, you will win BIG, super super BIG.
The more leverage you put on the table, the more rewards there are going to be for you.
If you seek stability, you might not even want to partake into these actions at all. Because they are “too risky”, and you don’t want to lose your precious stupid “stable life”.
You are young, you should go out and have fun. Do what a youngster should do.
Ah, I always live my life on the edge. That feeling is awesome. You know, living your life on the edge.
I seriously want to live a life like that. I don’t want to be obedient and unconscious, I desperately want to escape this hellhole of unconsciousness so I can regain my freedom, my true, stability.
Burn yourself all over again so that the world erase your existence, reincarnate from fire that you embrace true freedom.