Close Inspection of the Past Few Years

When I look back at my decision initially, I don’t regret it.

I never regret of choosing to tune out of the system and start my own adventure, and what’s been proven, is that, my choice was correct.

However, there is this “correct” path I once was supposed to take–a path that involved abiding by the rules.

2014

When I firstly got off my high school due to tremendous mental pressure, I felt relieved. Later I pushed myself immediately towards applying for foreign universities.

What… what happened back then, why did it stop?

My distrust towards proxy agencies. And later it was proven, my distrust was right.

The agencies that specialize in overseas education were the common means back in the day to send kids abroad, however, during my inquiry of the trustworthiness of these agencies, it vastly upset me for the quality of these agencies.

They were like pimps, and still are, sending innocent kids towards foreign schools with no credentials and that provide utterly bad education. The process is a waste of money.

2015

So what were you doing at this time?

No one really asked me where to go, I was very baffled at the moment as well. I did not rely on anyone, or that I did not have anything to rely on.

I fell into this abyss of choosing complexity, hesitating to make a move.

I was constantly in fear of getting myself into a bunch of Chinese and got my student career completely mind-fucked by them. The trauma I got in my early years shadowed me all the way to this time, and continued to move alongside me.

There was this, job, I was interested in. Or maybe not a job exactly, a voluntary job. I participated in a localization group in the second half of the year, tried to provide something for the gaming community of China. However, the group wasn’t very nice and things were very chaotic back then, cheap, so to say.

I quit very soon later.

2016

In that case, you weren’t exactly working, what were you doing? 

I’m a slow person, very, very slow.

I take on things slow, and I had very low self-esteem.

Over the years of my student career I was in constant disbelief that I could not excel… and that choosing complexity… that thing is the ultimate thing that stops you from a lot of things.

I was like… like a snail, slowly progressing on this path of seeking truth. I’ve always been a truth seeker, I wanted to know, I wanted to understand, what was really out there.

Why students went abroad like crazy? Was there anything indicative of such phenomena? Was it ever rational?

And I found out it wasn’t. The whole going abroad thing seemed like a hoax to me, and there was a huge pile of irrationality behind. Chinese got rich, and then they sent their kids away using those money. As far as why they sent them? It lied behind some really stupid reasons:

  1. Pollution in China
  2. Extravagance
  3. Investment
  4. Conformity
  5. Immigration

Pollution was very obvious, still obvious today. Usually motives are simply for Chinese.

The problem is that we tend to think Chinese are complicated, but no, they are not. Mainland Chinese are never that complicated, they are simple, and deceptive. But the motives are always simple.

So then, the whole going abroad trend looked like a joke to me. And as of now, something tremendous hit my family.

My father lost in his business, due to bribery, and colleague conspiring against him. The family’s finance took a down turn and slid down the hill extremely fast.

The plan of going abroad was completely at a halt.

And it was in that year, somebody over the Internet suggested me to open a blog to record the time. Yes, the time. The things I do and the problems I solve, and things I see and things I learn. Everything has been inside this blog since that day. I am really thankful to that person… It was really a good suggestion.

2017

But it’s 2017 already, you still haven’t made any progress of your education, and it was even at a halt, what did you do?

I never really felt so lost in time and space?

I got a PC, at the time, and I loved playing video games on it. As a matter of fact, I was an addict of video games. There was definitely a considerable amount of time wasted on playing these video games, and the movies I watched, and the music I listened, and the books I read, and the articles I inspected, and the projects I initiated…

It was like a double-edged sword, I wasted a considerable amount of time doing nothing, but also gained a considerable amount of knowledge on the things I love. And that seemed to create an alternative path that’s never shown to anyone before but myself.

It was like my secret garden–my Eden of knowledge.

However, the time was still wasted, if I was in Canada, or any other country without this much restrictions in China, I’d absorb these knowledge even faster.

I was so “otaku”, there was a good amount of outdoor time I missed. And I would say that was bad.

2018

In that case, what were you doing in this time of year? 

I think I had finally got myself together after all this time, and I was ready to move on. There was a secret project always on my mind, and that thing should’ve been there in 2014… But no one told me about it, and no one ever helped me on it.

To go into Canada for a small amount of time, and experience it, and collect information enough to get myself into a university or college.

But something happened earlier this year.

I met a girl online, through social media precisely, Weibo.

And things escalated quickly… Quite frankly I was very vulnerable at that time, I was very low on self-esteem and I constantly questioned my capabilities.

Met this girl, had some fund, had sex… And oh boy how did things go downhill from that moment.

I never thought sex would be such a big deal.

After several nights with this girl, my body shut down completely. No one knew what really happened with my body.

From the outside, it looked like just a bad cold. But this cold lasted for several months and fucked me up really bad.

At some point my left body lost mobility function, I could not walk literally. It was scary as hell. I was sent into a hospital for this and stayed in there for over 1 week.

And the mystery is still yet to be solved. The connotation of severe disease like AIDS or cancer or Lyme Disease looming over my head for over a year and I am paralyzed by the event.

Later that year, I finally, finally finally, got to head towards Canada to start my journey.

And it went well.

2019

Back from Canada, the whole journey was a blast.

I transformed myself from low self-esteem, to confident.

I started to realize there are a lot of things I can do, and I can achieve, as long as I put my heart and mind into it.

I want to go back to that place so bad, Vancouver. It was a really nice place with a lot of sound things happening.

But, reality is harsh and my life kind of sucks. I have to plow through a lot of obstacles in China in order to get to that place safe and sound.

And my journey won’t be finished……

 

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