Journal after a while on Canada, and China and freedom

I find, the cost of problem solving is simply too huge to afford in Canada.

Canada is slow, inefficient. This leads into the fabrics of how every single thing functions in that society.

When it’s slow and inefficient, the cost of problem solving goes up exponentially, it makes everything hard to flow through.

People there treat wait time as a nuisance, an annoyance, something that can be tolerated. But most of them don’t care about the cost of problem solving, how much it’s going to cost and how long is it going to take.

I sent out a message to my bank reporting a dispute over my account on the 8th, and the bank replied me at 20th. A total time of 2 weeks! Just to respond to my message.

In the meantime, that transaction is on a dispute and is costing me. Because it’s an unauthorized transaction which I have no responsibility to pay for. But the record is there, my credit card is still getting charged, and my credit score is still getting affected. WTF?

Because the bank can not deal with this matter in a timely manner, it costs me time and money to wait.

Think of a company that runs on a budget. A company that delivers its products needs to be paid. But the delivery date and the payment date are not the same. Usually, a company would deliver the products first, then receive the money. The interval of the two transactions shouldn’t be long, otherwise the company would run out of money and go bankrupt because it can’t pay its employees.

The longer you wait, the higher the cost.

In terms of efficiency, it’s an established system of fluidity. It consists of quality and speed.

When we are weighing the two components of efficiency, one should focus more on quality than speed. A general speed shall be achieved, so to preserve the necessary quality. And in fact, we can sacrifice speed a little if the quality is top-notch.

But you can’t be too slow. So slow, that it takes 2 weeks of waiting to respond to a single message, and 2 weeks of waiting doesn’t solve the problem either!!!

My initial idea was that, if we wait long, then in the end, we should be compensated with enough quality. However, that’s simply not the case. Waiting is a norm and you won’t get the quality either. It’s like, a far inferior model that produces little to no results and still pretty god damn slow.

A good analogy is computers. A 2019 computer runs 50 times faster than a 2001 computer.

Canada seems to be still on that 2001 computer, with internet. And China is already 2019 and still ongoing strong.

The basics of civic life are drastically different in terms of speed, quality and convenience.

Daily life in Canada is cumbersome to say the least. It is. Sleep, eat and shopping are already a ton of inconvenience.

Oh maybe it’s because you don’t have a car. 

How the fuck is having a car going to solve the systematic slowness?

Isn’t that simply dumb by investing your money to fix other people’s broken problems? It’s their responsibility to deal with their shits. Not yours.


Does money help, hell yeah money helps. But in this sense, 1 million dollars might help, and this becomes far too unrealistic to even begin with.

Canadians are idealistic, so much so they get away from reality.


I can’t really express how much I feel bad about the experiences there in Canada.

And I also know that the root cause of all of this was me being late there. However, there is also this thing I’ve been having with them–if everything keeps being the same no matter how hard you try, it’s not because you haven’t tried hard enough, it’s because they are the broken ones.

I try to separate mistakes from reality. If all of this can be fixed by simply getting there early and have the accommodation ready, I might still go back. But it really goes beyond the line of this as I am suspecting albeit I go there early, similar things are still going to happen.

For example, everything there takes a standard 2-3 days to be solved. Either being a bank thing, a school thing or whatever. Here in China, many things can be solved in the same day or the second day.

If something goes wrong unexpectedly, and something always goes wrong unexpectedly. Such an incident would induce yet another chain explosion so hard to fix.

Because in a system that takes everything slow to happen, a simple mistake can easily cause a catastrophy. The time cost and money cost are simply too big to bear in these cases. The longer you wait, the higher the cost.

I don’t have a million dollars sitting at the bank and can support me to wait 2 weeks for some simple problems’ fixes, I want a fix immediately or at least in the near future (2 – 3 days at best).

Even an urgent situation took a whole day to happen and that was me being lucky. If I was not lucky, wait at least 1 week and more for an emergency. What the actual fuck????

Someone lies on the road, now you call an ambulance. An ambulance arrived in 30 minutes gets to save the person’s life, and an ambulance arrived in 1 hour does not get to save his life, he dies before the ambulance arrived. That’s the simple analogy of how time can make a drastic difference.

I don’t want to fix some people’s broken systems and their broken time values. It’s not up to me to fix anything like that.

Plus, what happens if I fall off my bike again? What happens if I run into an emergency again?

This time nobody was there to help me, not even the family “friends” that live in Toronto. Who’s going to help me the next time anything wrong that happens?

And at my hardest time, what I saw was just bleak realities. My parents being useless, my best friend tuned off of my request, friends there not being able to offer any realistic help besides a few of them. None of the help back there arrived timely and effectively. Most help arrived either late, or not being helpful at all.

If you want to succeed, you need timely help and effective help. Not some help people just toss around with.

I got some advice from people, and that was all I got. Some advice, in a time of crisis! I can’t believe what I was getting, and apparently what I was asking was far beyond people’s reach of help, or that they simply don’t help as well.

Pointing some fingers is easy, giving some advice is easy as well. No one wouldn’t take the deal to give some actual help. I think that’s the reality of Canada?

People here back in China also didn’t provide any help at all. Disgusting, I find all of this disgusting to even begin with.

Asked for help and people simply shut me down, in a downtime like that, I can’t possibly imagine how painful that must have been.

In a situation so dire, my counselors asked me to have self-compassion–because no one there loves you how about you love yourself? What the actual fuck???

No one there loves me and no one there knows me and the person that knows me gave little to no fuck about my well-being. People feel like “you are asking too much”, but then, what am I supposed to even say? No help at all? No help I die though???

But then, it seems like everything there tied severely back to how late I arrived there. That single incident introduced a chain reaction of explosions of my subsequent life. I would totally say it’s about 60% – 70% of the blame needs to go to me being late there initially.

There was a lot of bad blood happening in China, disgusting agency and disgusting parents, also a disgusting parent’s friend.

I feel utter disgust towards them of how they behaved at that time, which ultimately caused me to fail.

My parents are disgusting most of the times, I hate them more than I can imagine.

Parents are definitely something I need to cut off, otherwise I would not be great. And I feel like their meddling in the my visa-thing was also noteworthy, anything they touched turns out to be awful in the end. My father is a communist and a coward, and my mother is a useless coward.

These elements don’t constitute a great family, thus I have a very hard time navigating my life all by myself. And it’s been this way ever since.

I find many things disgusting and hateful, and this is unhealthy to be. Knowing a lot and seeing a lot, and the fact that understanding the truths have brought plain miseries towards me. Well some insights and really great tactics and methodologies as well, to game the system etc.

But in reality, it was like, just like that. You know, nothing too much out of ordinary.

At the hardest moments of my life, and quite frankly I’ve been through several hardest moments, I still carried out great results, still won in the games I was in. That was quite magical to begin with. In fact, good. I wouldn’t praise too much so my ego goes blown, but those were some really crazy moments that need to be commended.

Like within 15 days I found a great match for my room in my house under great emotional distress, and plus some sort of limitations set up by my roommates. I found a nice guy with good personalities to let him stay in the house.

That was some crazy stunt to pull off considering the realistic difficulties there in Vancouver. It was in December, the season that the housing market cools down. everything started to cool down as there weren’t that many people seeking houses anymore (demands go down), and there was an abundance of houses around in the city of Vancouver.

I checked craigslist at the time, and it was true. The prophecy by that Iranian guy rang true in the end.

And since the demands went down, the need to sell off the room within 15 days was crazy to say the least. Because there were also some harsh limitations as well as the room was a contract (a rather uncommon method of landlord-tenant agreement), a sketchy landlord, and the housing condition also wasn’t very good in terms of the number of tenants and the road noise.

It took some considerable efforts to sell that room to someone else within a limited deadline. And in reality there were also many flakes happening as well, people who promised to come but never showed up. There were a ton of these people back in Vancouver, really strange.

And the unhappy situation inside the house as well as the other roommates believe that they have a right over my room to choose who to come in. Strange proposition as well. They have a point but not a very strong one, also an unrealistic call for attention. With so much limitations, it was impossible to accommodate their needs at that time. Also, in terms of actual power dynamics, they don’t have any legal privileges over me choosing a new tenant.

I wasn’t doing that to make them feel bad, I did whatever I could to sell a room at that moment with so many constraints and realistic issues. It was a hard feat to pull off, that I can not accommodate their needs and I feel no guilty about it. It was the right thing to do at that moment of time. And as I was physically traumatized, suffering from crippling depression and anxiety, so much so I wanted to end my life and other people’s lives, I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Matter of fact, they didn’t help me in that sort of down time, they didn’t offer any realistic help and they respond in a selfish manner, at this time right now, I don’t feel like they get to be the morally upright as well.

Anyway, daily life there in Canada is cumbersome to move on, I am seriously considering whether to go back at all. Really feel like going back is an exchange of physical health for money, which is something I wouldn’t do at all.

But back at China, what options do I have? Joining the PLA military? Start a job and grind the industry for at least 10 years? What about the ominous situations here in China? Massive surveillance, a possible war in the future, an outbreak of new viral disease??? There is a lot of uncertainties happening in the big picture of China, not so much in the mundane life.

I feel quite safe and free when I am back at home in my hometown. I believe there is the buff of my hometown’s great remedial vibe, but also China’s “police state” situation as well. The level of freedom and safeness within this certain construct is incomparable to Canada’s civic life–whereas you need to watch out for many dangers approaching you.

I don’t think both lifestyles are wrong, after all, I grew up in such a totalitarian country with a certain degree of feeling safe and a certain amount of freedom you can practice unnoticed. Albeit, putting up on the records, all of what I did and most Chinese did were not allowed.

However, in Canada, rules seem to be prevalent in many aspects of civic life. In terms of freedom and liberty, I am really starting to waver on which side has better freedom.

For years China has been condemned as a nation without freedom and liberty. Many political freedoms seen as born-given rights in the west are nonexistent in China. I don’t disagree with any of this.

But somehow, I sense a strange dilemma between life in China and Canada. Because in terms of political freedom, nowadays in Canada, or America, you can’t be a racist, a sexist or anything that’s political, anything that’s publicly condemned. If you step in their boundaries, they would do things similar like the Cultural Revolution–public shaming and defaming anyone that is not politically correct.

For years, overseas Chinese condemn on the atrocities the CCP has done. But what I fear is that, it’s just these people somehow got to a political haven that can’t be bothered by their far-flung oppressive government.

You don’t have the rights to criticize CCP back at home, but you can criticize it as much as you want if you are not at home. 

But can you criticize your new home? Your new government?

Politically, yes. But in real life, people get pissed off if you criticize their government because they themselves also have been propaganda bombed for decades.

I don’t know, I have a public life I need to lead, but I also have a mundane citizen life I need to live. And the latter part feels just straight up cumbersome for me in Canada.

Not sure if I should go back.


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