I’ve been starting to get into this belief, that the battle between democracy and dictatorship is a futile fight at the cost of people.

I witnessed the practices in democracy, it’s far from the ideal of what a true democracy should look like. And during the coronavirus crisis right now, many practices happening in the western democratic countries resemble greatly to what China has done.

It prompts me out of the box of the ideology battle. Running a country is not merely by a single righteous ideology, but a series of functional, scientific and correct physical implementations.

Countries don’t work solely on ideologies, countries that are solely based on ideologies bring nothing but self-destructions. Much like what many people living in the bubbles right now, some are completely soaked with their own ideologies, and such firm and deep beliefs into their ideology push them to defend the fragile reality they created for themselves. Day after day, dwell more inside the bubble, become more blind and extreme.

If the ideology battle of two political form is pointless, then why is everybody fighting?

During this crisis, I see America actually shares a lot in common with China. Many social issues and the predicaments during the crisis are almost the same—people panicking, hoarding, medical supplies running scarce etc. And the methods the two countries are implementing are also identical as well.

I am trying to see past the contradictions the political systems have for each other, and to look at what a country has to offer.

Albeit conceptually the two ideologies are drastically different, much like their economic counterparts—free market vs state-controlled market. But in reality, two systems have far more in common in actual practices on state affairs.

In many ways, the reality is more like, democracy is not a lot better than dictatorship, it is slightly better, with its own downsides. Not equally bad, but not good either. It’s like scoring -20 and 0, dictatorship scores -20, the democracy guy over there with a 0 is laughing at the dictator like a maniac, “Loser, that’s why you are so bad because you are a dictator!” In reality, none of them are providing the good enough life for their people to enjoy. It’s far from ideal.

If both of them are bad, one of them is worse, then what’s the point? What’s the point of immigration if you can’t get what you expect in the first place? Countries are similar in matters of human affairs, troubles happen almost in the same manner as well, what’s the point of us fighting a futile war for two different ideology parties? It seems that we are blinded by the bubbles we created for our own.

Under such circumstances, I see more people giving cynical and hedonistic answers than hopeful ones.

“It’s money man. Without money, living anywhere would be hard. Make enough money then you are good, no need to worry about the stupid ideology war.”

“We are all doomed you see? We are all going to die anyways. The war is pointless, best to live your life right now.”

“Who cares? So long I can keep my position, whichever side wins is of no concern to me. If it hurts my being, I’ll just jump sides.”

This conclusion of the reality either makes you a nihilist, or a cynic, or a hedonist, or an opportunist.

But life has so much more to live for! But I can’t seem to find a good counter response that can encourage hope in people, at least for my self.

I can’t seem to find the justice in my heart anymore, I know I still have conscience, but where is my justice?

Was it that my expectations were too high? But aren’t they supposed to be better than us? Aren’t they supposed to have the model system everyone looks forward to on this planet? Isn’t democracy the eventual transition a society needs to undertake when they have cumulated enough wealth and social progress?

I was taught wrong?

I saw Canadians despise on their own countrymen, and Canadians who want to exploit their own countrymen (or other countries’ men) for their own advantages. I thought the law of the jungle only works in China, and I can finally be civilized again in some other well-proclaimed democracy. But same type of shit applies and there are even more troubles (well maybe it’s equally annoying and troublesome), added that I’m a foreigner, the conflicts are simply more significant.

It begs me the question, why do I go abroad?

I find myself in this in-between and “is-nothing” situation vacillating, and can not find an actual belonging.

I can’t possibly give more love to my own country given that I know how much shit they have done to me. The only thing I do is merely watching and praising the efficiency of the system. And efficiency is a property of an authoritarian system.

I look forward to democracy as it’s a sound idea in theory, but not so much in practice. I wonder who did it wrong? Is it that the people aren’t fully committed to democracy? Or that the system is biased as well? At the end of the day, what actually happens seem to always get the work done. A very materialistic and authoritarian/communist view on matters in life.

But without people actually doing their work, doing the ground work, the foot work, there can’t be a pyramid. It takes thousands of people to build a pyramid, the same applies to running a country. Politicians seem to always forget how their ideologies are proven “correct”, it’s the people behind the economy actually doing the job that proved the legitimacy of their ideological system.

Without the groundwork, can’t build a high-rise.

But this still doesn’t take me out of my confusion, yet.

I wish I know the answer, but I don’t.

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