Depressing Shit

So basically, I dropped out of high school to avoid a full-on “get fucked or get stuck” sort of situation that is going to happen to most people here in China.

Here, after 6 years, I met my high school dorm mate. What happened to him? Exactly what I pictured would happen to him.

Got a university degree, got a job, got a girlfriend. The type of existential crisis bullshit you usually get when you follow the “steps”.

And I honestly still can’t understand why the fuck people are all so craved at this. This kind of, absolute brainless sort of lifestyle. I was scared to shit for this kind of life.

I was scared to get a job. I was scared to have a girlfriend. I was scared to marry a wife. And I was scared to raise a kid.

I never wanted it. I never wanted any of this. To me, this looks more like blasphemy than those who think of me as a freaking heretic of the “righteous path of life”.

It’s just purely depressing shit.

I mean, yeah, you can call me a coward. A coward who wants to escape this kind of absolute shithole devoid of human elements. Since, I don’t know, childhood? This kind of survival anxiety has been there with me. And it’s fucked up. And such survival anxiety is so damned justified in this country—almost anything that remotely relates to it can be considered as justice if something needs to be done, without ever questioning the methodology.

And I honestly don’t get it.

I mean, fuck, I’m a coward. I guess I fucking am. I’m the person who constantly tries to avoid all of this nonsense and bullshit at all cost.

And for fuck sake, I was depressed for 2 fucking years after my dropout of high school. 2 FUCKING YEARS. And I did not know that was me being depressed.

And all of this is because, none of the people around me ever gave a fuck about me. Did they actually care about whether I live or die? No, they absolutely give zero shit about how I live my life. Let it be me sink into a absolute shithole, no fucks given, or that I hit some sort of plateau, no fucks given. There you go.

People closest to me are those who absolutely fucking deny my feelings for years. They deny my feelings, do not acknowledge my concerns, almost, at any fucking given time.

I mean for fuck sake, my father asked me to go fucking work when I was deeply depressed. And my best friend never gave a crap for how I live my fucking life. I sunk into a damn abyss, what did he do? Normally finished his fucking high school and then tell me not to sweat about it.

I mean fuck these people man. They are absolutely the worst.

I never regretted for once for my choice of dropping out of high school. It was, absolutely, the wise choice at the time. Continue living in that high school shithole won’t do me any good other than fuck my psyche up for no good reasons, or that give me severe anxiety or depression.

But I got into depression anyway after dropping out. I don’t know, I felt relieved at the time.

But I still remember the nights which I sat in front of a monitor and felt strangely devoid of feelings and a sensation of despair.

I never did any fucking thing wrong in my life, why the fuck is it so unfair for me?

Turns out, the people closest to you are the ones who constantly fucking hurt you for no reason and never ever regret doing so.

Leaving my family is definitely the best choice I need to take. And that action needs to be right now.

I mean, I can’t seem to understand this thing anymore.

I never wanted money, nor fame. What I seek, has always been truth and realness. I want to be a real human being living in this world, free of conventional rules, free of conventional responsibilities.

I don’t know. It’s weird you know. I’m a dude that hasn’t even been living in the West for very long time, and I got a shit ton of mental aptitude than some random fucks who’s been there for ages.

I don’t get it.

I live in a totalitarian state and I feel so much better than me living in a capitalist free world. You see the difference here?

And those people who have been there in the West for long, are either just corrupted fucks, or snobbish pieces of shit with just absolute low moral standards. And yeah, by my contacts in Vancouver, this observation can’t be truer.

But of course I’m talking about Chinese here. I rarely see a Canadian being that mean or snobbish, I mean, yeah they can be corrupted, by not as corrupted as the Chinese I met there.

Which is just, strange. I mean, it shouldn’t be? Aren’t their reasons of immigration democracy, freedom, equality and a fairer society?

But it doesn’t look like they give an actual fuck about “being fair”? I mean, what’s even the percentage of immigrated Chinese involved in politics or ideology beliefs?

It looks like most of them are just there trying to make money and that’s all. They didn’t go there because they have democracy and freedom. They went there simply because there are more gold to be dug out.

But right now China has more gold to be dug out, why aren’t they going back?

Wait… I think there was a dude who told me he’s going back to China. And I think he did realize his promise. I suppose he’s now in China making money now.

So why the fuck do people even go there? If they have absolutely no respect for their system, or that they do not care about freedom and equality, why the fuck are they even there?

All I see is just people being corrupted by money and fame, or that the already rich kids doing all the socializing for no specific reasons. I mean, it’s like an upper-class barrier there. And I don’t think I’m ever going to enter that upper class, ever. Unless somehow I made a shit ton of money overnight, which is impossible.

Like why would I? My whole life’s ideal has been freedom. All I care, is my freedom. I never feel belonged to any group, I never feel like I fit in in any circle. All I want, is my freedom. And that’s it.

I think all that socializing with rich kids bullshit never suits me in any way. As a matter of fact, I fucking hate it to the guts. I think they are unreal people, absolutely fake shits, disgusting human beings.

What’s the point of socializing if such socialization is never going to net you any positive effects?

Socialization is a trait of the upper class, but that’s given that you are already an upper class. And I’m not an upper class, never am, probably never will be. I’m just a random dude that wants some simple freedom. Socialization in upper class helps build and keep the connections they need for staying inside the upper class.

I don’t fit into any of those categories. I think I’m just going to get depressed if I’m surrounded by too many privileged people. I’m just really bad at disguising my emotions, like I said, I’m a real person, I’m real. Too real.

I think I’m just dumb. If I don’t like something, I would say it. I would slap that shit to their faces. And that’s me. Compromising this is going to give me severe depression, no matter where I am.

I have to live as real as I feel. I never want to get inside some stupid rich people bubbles, because I am never really one of them. And I fucking hate them.

I never think that rich people got the actual skills and talents to be in that position. They stay alive by socializing within their circles.

And I despise the fact that these people’s only skill is socializing. They are losers, in my opinion.

But I do know that, thinking in this way already makes me poor. I know that, this kind of toxic worker mentality is exactly why I am fucking poor.

That I look forward to realness, I look for truth—characteristics like these already put me at lower economic level.

I’m a revolutionary. Not a capitalist, nor a social butterfly. I like to create oppositions against mainstream. I belong to anti-culture group. I’m never one of the many, I’m one of the few. And I, frankly, enjoy the status of being one of the few. I enjoy being an anti-culture personality, enjoy being a dissident, enjoy being somebody that is drastically different from everybody else.

I simply enjoy this freedom, by taking myself out of the majority group, thus gaining control over myself, bound by no rules, with vast flexibility and mobility. I enjoy, like, I crave, this kind of dissociation. It makes me feel alive. Not fitting in actually makes me feel more alive and freer than ever.

Fitting in, troubles me. Bound by rules, troubles me. Whenever my freedom is taken away from me, troubles me. And that usually starts from getting inside a certain group, and having to convert to a certain identity. I don’t give a fuck what I am. And I don’t let others decide who I am. Nobody fucking labels me. I am whatever, whatever the fuck I want myself to be.

Today I’m a rabbit, tomorrow I’m a tortoise. The next day I’m an engineer, and the next next day I put up my makeup and I’m the Joker.

I don’t give a single fuck how others see me. I’m already weird.

Fuck society. Who gives a shit how they see me, or position me? Who cares? A bunch of brainless, braindead, cell-like creatures leeching on each other to get by day by day.

There is no way in hell, I’m ever going to fit in. I just can’t. And I don’t want to. I’m a weirdo. Born a queer bro. Live as a human being, treat others, with decency and equality.

I’m too weird for the society to accept me.

I wanted them to accept me. Never worked.

Now I don’t need their acceptance anymore.

I’m trying to build a whole new identity. I’m trying to create a cult. I’m trying to make a damn following out of this.

I’m not fitting in anymore. Other people are going to fit themselves into my values. They are going to try to get me, to accept them, into my god damn valuation system. They have to change their existing values, to fit into my values.

I’m the boss in this ecosystem. I fucking dominate, bitch.

Fit in, or fuck off.

Get inside, or get the fuck out of my face, or prepare to die.

Fuck them. And fuck you.

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